Learning To Forget
by Annie Coomes
Summary: The Doctor finally talks to Martha about Rose, he knew that she wouldn’t be forgotten – she would be with him every step of the way, in every adventure and forever holding his hand – for she would be in his heart. Always.


Learning To Forget

The Doctor felt the soft skin resting within his own palm. It was rougher than the skin he was used to, colder, harsher – just like her really, he couldn't help but think. He glanced sideways at the companion who clung to his hand – Martha Jones, she grinned in excitement and tugged on his hand as she began to walk towards the large oak doors before them. The Doctor saw her excitement and smiled – a fake smile, he was trying so hard to be excited for it. Before, it had come easily, his excitement for…when he was with her…

The Doctor sighed to himself he knew he could no longer dwell on the past or it would tear him apart – this was his life and it happened over and over again, but this time it had been different – she had been different. Sometimes he was scared of forgetting her, of losing his memories of her, in these moments he would shut Martha out, he would sit in what was her room and run his fingers over her clothes remembering what the softness of her touch felt like. Then he would know the heartbreaking reality of pain, pain that tore through his soul threatening to destroy him until there was nothing left, not even a shell for him to hide in – it was moments like this when he knew he would never see her again, and it was moments like this that was killing him.

Martha turned her head and watched the Doctor, she recognised the look in his eyes, the first time she'd seen it she hadn't understood – but know she knew. He only ever had that look when he thought of her, or spoke of her – his Rose. She knew she could never live up to the reputation she'd left behind, but she was trying and right now she knew she had a purpose. She had to save him – save him from himself.

She pinched his hand and stared at him meaningfully until he blinked away the final moments of the past and this vision un-blurred to see her standing before him in a party frock. He smiled at her again, almost apologetic before squeezing her hand back

'Right then Martha Jones, shall we get going?' he asked her brightly. She almost sighed to herself but instead she smiled and pulled him by the hand towards the dark doors that seemed to loom over the Doctor like the gateway to hell. He began to tug on his tie from around his throat as he approached the doors, he could feel the bead of sweat running down his temple and the flutter in his stomach which told him he was nervous. He shook his head and let go of her hand – he knew what he was scared of, and he knew it would never happen again. He was scared of falling in love with another companion, of losing someone else – but looking at her he knew it wouldn't happen…simply because she wasn't Rose.

It turned out they were in a dance hall, music filled the huge room, echoing through empty vacant space and into every soul. Martha laughed and danced with man after man whilst the Doctor rested his head on his hand, slumped over the bar. Slowly the soft voice of a woman filled out through the hall, couples began to sway and Martha moved away from the dance floor – she held her hand out to him

'Dance Doctor?' she asked quietly, trying to save him from himself. As Rose flashed before his eyes he instantly shook his head

'I don't dance' he choked. Martha watched his haunted eyes and nodded, she began to turn away but as the words of the song floated out she saw the Doctor falter. She was by his side in an instant.

Martha sat down across from him – they were alone now sitting in a darkened corner of the bar, she placed her hand on top of his and looked down onto him

'Doctor – tell me about her' she asked softly. Whenever she asked he would always shake his head and tell her that there was nothing left to tell, but she could tell tonight was different, she could tell from the way his fingers trembled and his eyes clouded that tonight he may actually tell her.

The Doctor squinted up at her,

'What do you want to know?' he finally croaked.

'Tell me everything' she murmured.

'Her name was Rose. Rose Marion Tyler. Born on the 27th of April 1987 to a Jackie and Pete Tyler' a faint smile twitched on his lips at the mention of these names, 'She was 5 foot 4 inches, she had blonde hair and brown eyes. Was born on Earth – the Powell Estate'

Martha shook her head at him

'Doctor – those are just the facts. They don't make a person, tell me…tell me who she really was' she begged him quietly, longing for herself not to end up like this.

'What do you want me to say?' he asked with his eyes hard 'That I miss her? That I need her? That she was brave, and strong, and fantastic and…and beautiful?' he trailed off his voice softening. He looked up to meet Martha's eyes

'Do you want me to say I loved her?' he asked finally. She looked at him and shook her head,

'I just want to understand – why if she did what I do, if she traveled through space and time just like she did, then why can't you forget her? Remember her, but don't cling to her, don't long for her. Why can't I be enough?' she cried out, finally revealing the truth as to why she hid in her room crying. As to why, sometimes she couldn't stand her life anymore – why she couldn't stand the Doctor.

He looked up at her sadly and placed a palm against he wet cheek

'Remember when we met, I told you that you weren't replacing her' he reminded her softly. She shook her head at him

'I don't want to replace her – I want to be my own person…but I want you to move on' she admitted quietly. The Doctor looked down before meeting her eyes again

'I'm trying' he whispered quietly. Martha nodded

'I know – I'm sorry' she murmured, ashamed at herself for her outcry.

She turned away from him, she knew he would be alright in the morning, that this pain would be forgotten, that in the morning he would turn to her with that manic grin of his and hold out his hand, he would stare at her with those eyes and whisk her off to another world. And because she knew of tomorrow, she could let this go, she could forget this one moment in time where a man grieved for a woman – she could let him learn to forget.

'Martha?' the Doctor called out as she walked away, she turned on her heel and looked at him

'I did' he said softly 'I loved her'.

Martha nodded. She had known this all along, and she was alright with it – it wasn't his love she needed, it was his friendship. She walked over to him and smiled

'I know – and you carry on loving her Doctor – you love her forever, but sometimes stop. Just stop and love yourself. Love those around you. Remember that you're not alone'

The Doctor looked at her and nodded,

'Good' Martha smiled 'Now dance with me'.

He let out a sigh and walked over to the dance floor, he thought of Rose and smiled to himself,

'I'll never stop, I promise' he whispered to the ghost only he could see.

Stepping through the moves of the waltz the Doctor remembered how much he had to live for, and he remembered his love for her, and he knew that she wouldn't be forgotten – she would be with him every step of the way, in every adventure and forever holding his hand – for she would be in his heart. Always.


End file.
